Lloyder

I'll start off with three stories - all about my mate Lloyder, aka David Beherall. I got to know him playing youth team football at Newcastle and don't ask me how he got the name, but it's stuck!

Recorded delivery

We used to regularly travel into training together and on one morning we had to set off a little bit earlier as Lloyder wanted to go to the Post Office. We parked up on Shields Road in Byker and both got out of the car. I just followed him down the road and into the 'Post Office' where we stood in the queue chatting about this and that. As people were served we moved down the queue until it was out turn. We went up to the counter and he handed over a letter, asking for it to be sent recorded delivery, the girl behind the desk said 'sorry?' so he asked her again…"can you send this recorded delivery?". She then replied…"this is a bank, you need a Post Office to send letter's, there's one next door".

Err, head down, got out of there as fast as I could and then p***ed my sides. I take no responsibility at all, I just followed my mate into a building!!! Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, I did tell the lads when we got to training!

Toon Toon

Another time I was with him he wanted to book an appointment to get his hair cut. I'm sitting there watching the box and he picks up the phone. I then heard him ask for so-and-so barbers, and then he said toon, then a second later…TOON. He was on the phone to directory enquiries and the operator hadn't a clue that he meant Newcastle. He couldn't understand how someone, possibly hundreds of miles away, didn't know where the 'Toon' was!

Bulgarian swimming pool

In the two stories above, all that was damaged was his reputation - not that there was much to damage! But there was this occasion when he caused thousands of pounds worth of damage…

We were away in Bulgaria, both of us in the squad for CSKA Sofia in the UEFA Cup. When we arrived at the hotel we picked up our keys and went up to the room. It was fantastic, really plush and quite a size. I threw my bags down and settled in. Lloyder was in the bathroom and then shouted to me saying that there was no water. He'd turned the taps on in the bath but no water was coming out. We'd been told that you had to ring reception and they'd turn the water on for your room, so I told him to give them a call. He did this but after a minute or two there was still no water coming through. Anyhow, the lads were going for a walk in the hotel grounds, so we left the room and went downstairs to meet them. After about 45 minutes we were walking up the stairs toward the room and we could see that the carpets had changes colour - they were soaked!! We then saw staff running about the place…the whole room was flooded!! We'd gone out and Lloyder had left the plug in the bath and both taps fully on. Not only had it damaged the carpets, but the water had gone through the ceiling of the room below us!!!

I wouldn't care, we got to our new room and he had a shower!!!

Episode Four, 12/09/02

The boy's done it again, you want to hear this one!!!

I usually change my mobile answer phone message quite often. Just for a laugh I'll record a message that sounds as if I'm answering the phone for real. The last one I recorded had the radio blaring in the background and me shouting 'Who's that? I'll just turn the music down…sorry who's that?"…and then it clicks onto the bleep and the message is recorded (after they've screamed their name about three times) - you get the drift!

Anyhow the mobile rings a few days ago so I answer, the conversation went like this….

Me: "Hello"
Lloyder: "Hello….is that the answer machine?"
Me:"Aye, it is"

…and then he hangs up!!!!!!!

I then had to ring the knacker and tell him that he was speaking to the real McClen!!